Twilight Parody
by paramorerocksmyworldandsodoesv
Summary: A pardoy of Twilight...duh! I'm sure there are thousands, but this one is original.
1. Bella's Arrival and Meeting of Edward

Bella Swan pushed her long brown hair behind her shoulders and sighed. She went into the parched, dry Arizona field to dig up her pet cactus. "You're my best friend, cactus!" She sighed as she felt the last of the warm sun on her face. She was leaving Phoenix to spend some time with her father, Charlie, in the rainy town of Forks, Washington. "Bella!" Her mother, Rene', called to her from the house. "Let's go! Oh, not that I don't love you, honey!" Bella sighed. Her mother was quite the character. Bella potted the cactus, hugged it carefully, and started walking down the hill to her mother's car. "Bella;" Rene' said as she walked the daughter to the airplane. "How are you going to keep the cactus alive?" Right at that moment, Bella pricked her finger on the plant and screamed, causing travelers to turn. "Are you okay? My little klutz!" Rene' chuckled, her sun hat flopping. "I think the cactus is telling me no!" Bella laughed in a monotone, robotic way. "Goodbye, Mom." Bella then turned and left. Rene' frumped, then left. Bella slept for the entire flight. The fat guy next to her, reading a magazine, shifted awkwardly every time she snored.

Charlie Swan, Police Chief, thought he was completely prepared for his daughter's arrival. He wasn't. "AHHHHH!" He screamed when he saw her. "Dad? Charlie? It's me, Bella." Charlie nodded, swallowing. "Yes, I know. You...look...different." He stammered. "You're hair is, um, longer." Bella snorted. "Way to point out the obvious, Dad!" Throwing up her hands, she stomped off to get her bag. "Right. The car's outside." He said, embarrassed. "So, Forks." Bella said, making meaningless conversation. "Do they have, um, National Eating Utensil Conventions here?" "What?" Charlie asked. "Oh, nothing. You know, Forks? Oh, I was just being sarcastic." The car pulled up to a cute, two-story, white cottage. "Cute." Bella nodded. A red, beat-up truck pulled into the driveway and a tall Indian boy with long black hair stepped out. He went around the car to the trunk, got out a wheelchair, walked back around the car, and sat his father in the chair. His dad looked exactly like him, only with more wrinkles. "Hey, Billy!" Charlie called to wheelchair-man. Looking down at Billy's beret, he asked, "What's with the head waffle?" "It's a beret!" Billy laughed. "Well, Bells!" Charlie exclaimed, slapping the truck so hard that it almost dented. "This is your present." "Wow, way to say welcome home, Dad." She huffed, crossing her arms. "What?" The boy called. "Oh, nothing!" Bella pretended to smile. "I'm Jacob. If you remember, we used to make mud pies together...I'll show you the car." Bella grabbed one of Jacob's long chunks of hair. "You threw mud in my face when we were four." She growled. "Um, yeah, don't remember!" Jacob laughed, struggling to pull free. As he walked around the car, Bella purposely opened the door on his back. Looking at the car, she saw so many pumps, switches, and gears. "What do I do?" She panicked. "Pump the clutch." Jacob said with a wave of his hand. Bella put her hand on what looked like a clutch. "NO! STOP!" Jacob yelled, but it was too late. The car exploded, heads turned, Jacob sighed. "Self destruct switch. The car was made in the age of spies..." Bella just scowled.

"I'm walking to school in the rain!" Bella yelled to her dad as she left the next morning, trying to install sympathy in him. She stomped in puddles and entered the gym, her first period. To her dismay, they were playing dodgeball. Thousands of balls flew at her, but one in particular smacked her right in the face. "Are you okay?" A blonde boy shrieked, running up to her. "I'm...dazed..." Bella said, putting her hand to her face. "Well, hi, Dazed! I'm Mike!" He said. "Hm, sarcasm. Cute." Bella nodded. "REALLY? IT IS?" Mike shrieked. "Uh, sure." Bella turned and left the shrieking dork. At lunch, with her new friends Jessica and Angela, Bella saw two people so perfect that she couldn't take her eyes off them. One was a short girl with a pixie cut who danced around her tall, blonde, boyfriend. The boy looked like he REALLY needed to use the bathroom; his eyes were huge, his face was tight. "Who are they?" Bella asked, gawking. "Alice Cullen and Jasper Hale!" Jessica recited as Angela snapped a picture. "Nearly perfect, they all live together with Carlisle Cullen...weird." Jessica laughed, like a know-it-all. Another couple passed. The girl had a mean scowl on her face with long blonde hair. The boy was tall, dark-haired, and muscular. "Rosalie Hale, Emmett Cullen." Angela responded. The final, a single boy with tall brownish-blonde hair styled up, looked around with a tiny smile. Bella tried not to blurt out how hot he was when asking, "And him?" "Edward Cullen. Beautiful, single, refuses to date." Jessica said. Angela pretended to be sad, and laughed. "Don't even bother. He's a WIERDO!" Jessica yelled, so Edward could hear before busting into giggles.


	2. Confronting Edward

After lunch, Bella went to her science class. Her teacher, Mr. Draws, was really weird. His hair was styled up into tall curls. "Hello, Mrs. Swan! The only seat open is next to Edward." Bella smiled and walked over to Edward. His eyes widened. She wondered if he had heard what Jessica shouted at lunch. He quickly clamped his hand over his nose. "What's wrong?" She asked. "Did someone fart or something?" Bella then quickly checked to make sure her deodorant wasn't failing her. "That's really rude, you know, to point out to everyone that something smells bad." Bella huffed, looking deep into his black eyes. Black eyes, weird. Bella thought.

After school got over, Charlie took Bella to the Nameless Cafe, where he always ate huge burgers and deserts. "Aaand...the cholesterol combo for two!" The waitress said with a smile. She handed both Charlie and Bella a humongous burger heaping with toppings. Charlie beamed and put a napkin in his collar. "Daaad..." Bella grumbled. "What? You barely know anyone here!" Charlie said as he took an oozing bite. Bella rolled her eyes. "You know the Cullens, I assume?" She asked. Charlie nodded. "Carlisle the doctor, Esme, his wife...they're a weird bunch behind the pretty faces." Bella nodded. It was at that moment she concluded that she would go and confront Edward tommorrow in Science.

The next morning, Bella stomped to school in the rain as she always did. She thought about all the things she would say, all the choice words she would use to Edward. She flopped against someone's truck and grabbed a book from her bag. "BELLA!" Mike yelled, throwing a twizzler across the parking lot. It hit Bella in the head and rolled into her hand. She sighed and went inside. At lunch, the boys, Eric and Mike, were having a pull-the-chair-out-from-under-your-buddy contest. The girls watched, laughing. Bella looked over her shoulder and saw the Cullen-Hale table. Everyone was there BUT Edward. "Huh?" Bella gasped. "Oh, sometimes, one of them will go away for a few days." Jessica informed. Bella sighed. Even the next day, Edward wasn't there.

A week later, Edward was FINALLY sitting in the seat next to Bella in Science. She took a deep breath, ready to snap at him.

**Please review! Thanks!!!**


	3. Science Conversation

**So, it's short, but I had to re-watch the movie and get my facts right. Thanks to all my readers; please check out my other stories, too!!!

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**"Why you!" Bella instantly declared. Edward raised his eyebrows. Bella immediately shut up. He DID have sexy eyebrows. "I'm, like, sorry I disappeared. I'm Edward Cullen." He extended an arm. "You have, um, hairy hands." Bella stammered. Edward sighed and rolled his eyes. "You ladies are SO picky." "ALL RIGHT!" Mr. Draws screamed. "We are going to go through stages of Onion Mitosis for Dummies. No, seriously. Seventh graders do this stuff." Mr. Draws sighed. "Anyway, whichever couple, I MEAN PARTNER, gets done first wins this golden onion." Bella looked around. All the partners were boy-girl. She wondered if Mr. Draws was an e-harmony agent. Edward quickly shoved the first slide under the microscope. "Prophase. It's all one." He said. "Can I look?" Bella asked. "I said it's all one. Do you really think I'm that stupid?" Edward asked. "Well, if you're not stupid, what smelled so bad three days ago?" Bella put a hand on her hip and stared at Edward's now golden brown eyes. REALLY weird. "Um, I think it was these onion cells..." Edward stammered, his eyes widening.

"Really? Onion cells ARE TOO SMALL TO STINK!" Bella retorted. Edward sighed and placed another microscope slide on. "Anaphase. Wanna check?" Bella grabbed the microscope out of his hairy hands and looked for herself. "So, how do you like the weather here?" He asked. "It's wet. I...I..." "What does that mean?" He asked. "Me no like wetness from sky." Bella said sarcastically. "Me no like wetness!" Edward repeated, squeaky and with a smirk. "Are you mocking me?" Bella questioned. "Um, no. I was clearing my throat." Edward coughed. "Hey, no talking!" Mr. Draws snapped. Bella suddenly moved her leg and hit it on the table. "Ow! Ow!" She gasped. "That would be TALKING, Mrs. Swan!" Mr. Draws warned, shaking his finger. "So, if you don't like wetness from the sky, why did you move to Forks?" Edward asked as Bella finished the lab. "I came to live with my dad while my mom looks for houses." "Do you not like houses?" Edward asked. "I do...just not the yellow ones she prefers." Edward nodded slowly. "Did you get contacts? Your eyes seem different..." Bella stammered. "Um, no. Maybe it's YOUR eyes that are different." Edward retorted. "How on Earth is that possible? Do they turn black when you smell..." "DROP THE SMELL STUFF!" Edward yelled, banging his fists. "Shuddup, Cullen!" Mrs. Draws snapped.

**So, see you next week!!!**


	4. Kaboom

**Hello, hello! I had to re-watch the movie and take some notes for accurate deatails! Enjoy!

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**That evening, Bella's mom called. "How WAS it?" She screamed loudly. "Mom, my phone is on speaker. I think Alaska heard that one." "Oh, baby! Of course they did, you're a bordering state." Rene' giggled. "But really." "The guys are extremely forward here...and there's this one guy who's eyes turn black when he smells something gross." Bella replied. "Sounds strange. Phil's doing awesome! He struck out about fifteen times, but he's hitting some now." Rene' then quickly hung up. Bella shrugged. "Oh, mom. What a character you are." She said, quickly finishing her math homework.

A security guard was on duty at a mill in Forks. His adjusted his name tag, reading Delbert, and smiled. He then heard a loud, strong clang. "Better not be those daggum squirrels again." He huffed, grabbing a flashlight. But, Delbert heard more of the noises; there were three of these creatures. He heard a long WHOOSH and saw a red-haired woman in front of him. "P...pretty girls scare me!" He stammered. Taking only his flashlight, Delbert took off running. "He's an easy one." The woman smirked as two men, one blonde with a long ponytail and the other dark with long dreadlocks, appeared beside her. The dreadlocks man nodded, quickly running. "Eepers!" Delbert screamed, throwing himself onto the roof and screaming as the three circled him.

Bella walked down the stairs and saw ice lining the driveway. "Lovely." She grumbled. "A klutz's worst nightmare." Bella closed her eyes and took a few steps. It wasn't long before her feet slipped out from under her and her back jeans pocket was ripped. "I had to wear unicorn underwear today..." She grumbled, pushing herself up before Charlie saw. "I've gotta go up a few counties today. Delbert, a security guard, got killed by some kind of animal. His friend tells us he had a deathly fear of squirrels, but I doubt that was it." Charlie shook his head. "Animal? Just be careful." Bella added as she started down the driveway. "Always am." Charlie said, right as he slammed his hand in the cop car's door. "OW!!!" He screamed.

The school day went by fast for Bella. She saw the run-down car she usually stood by every day and leaned on it. Dropping her bag by her foot, she listened to her iPod. "WHEE!" She heard a voice cry. She turned to see one of her acquaintances ,Tyler, driving his car fast, weaving and being a big idiot. "I'M SPEEDING!" He screamed, suddenly loping right for Bella. "I DO BELIEVE IN FARIES! I BELIEVE IN WHATEVER! AS LONG AS I DON'T DIE!" She screamed suddenly, hands up. All of the sudden, the car stopped suddenly and Edward was beside her.


	5. Frustration

**Hey, we have a new double-spaced layout! Thanks to EffervescentTomato for the suggestion! Review, please!!!

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**The hospital doors smacked open.

"Bella! Are you okay?" Charlie screamed, rushing to his daughter's side.

"Wow, Dad. You haven't paid this much attention to me since I was born." She chuckled.

"Bella, I'm so super sorry! It's just my..."

"Yeah, shut up!" Charlie snapped at Tyler. "I hope you've already burned your driver's license!" Tyler shook his head.

"Bella, I just have this dream of being in Nascar..." Charlie snarled at him and snapped the curtains shut.

"Let's just hope and pray that you're okay!" Charlie screamed, clutching Bella's hands.

The double doors smacked open again, only this time, a doctor walked in. He had long blonde hair, down to his shoulders, a beautiful pale face, and a large egotistical smile.

"The doctor is IN!" He laughed, spreading his hands. "Don't you just LOVE my hair?" He flipped and twirled it for the world to see.

"Hello, Carlisle." Charlie said with only a wave.

"Is that all you have for me? Ugh, I cannot BELIVE you!" Carlisle huffed, walking toward Bella. "Now, what seems to be the problem?"

"It SEEMS like I almost got hit by a car, but your weird son Edward saved me." Bella huffed, crossing her arms. She thought that the state's top doctor should act less like a teenage girl.

"Ah, Edward, who's hair is not as BEAUTIFUL as mine?" Carlisle giggled, twirling it as he shone a light in Bella's eyes.

"I'm going...out..." Bella said, jumping up before Charlie could say anything.

As she did, she saw Edward and his blonde sister Rosalie, arguing with Carlisle.

"I am NOT trying to copy your hair!" Rosalie screamed, eyes narrowed as always. "Oh, that girl is watching us. Go speak to her, Edward." Rosalie huffed. She turned on a zebra print heel and stomped away.

"What? I saved you from a car, okay? I don't love you like that, if you were planning..."

"HOW! I want the HOW's, buddy!" Bella growled, crossing her arms. "HOW did you shove Tyler's car back?"

"It just happened, Bella. I've actually been practicing for WWE..." Edward said with a chuckle.

Bella then decided that Edward was an idiot as she climbed into bed that night. After all, he didn't save her life. She would still be alive, just in a bit more pain, if he hadn't done what he did. Bella closed her eyes.

She sat up suddenly. Edward was there, in the corner of her room. He giggled and took a picture with his cell phone before popping out of the room.

"Wha?" Bella grumbled. "Edward, get out!"

She then realized he was never there. "No, you will not dream about him! You HATE this boy!" Bella reminded herself as she got ready for her walk to school that morning.

"Bella! Bella! Something! Prom! Oops..." Mike gasped as he tried to talk to Bella normally.

"Asking me to prom, eh?" Bella said. "Seems like you fancy me...how about Jessica?"

Mike glanced at Jessica. She giggled at him, wiggling her fingers for about ten seconds longer than needed.

"Yeah, sure, fine." Mike grumbled, making sure to stomp in extra puddles. Mr. Draws's science classes were going to a Greenhouse today, to complete their plant cells for dummies unit.

"I, like, have adrenaline rushes, okay?" Edward growled in his teenage girl accent.

Bella rolled her eyes and walked away. She wouldn't get anything out of him, anyway.

"Look! Worms!" Eric said, dropping a few on Mr. Draws's shoulder.

"EW! Eric, that's a detention! Oh, my good purple shirt!" Mr. Draws yelled, smacking his shoulder.

"We just shouldn't be friends, Bella." Edward said.

"Then WHY do you keep TALKING to me?" She growled, throwing her hands in the air.

"Hi! Are you riding with us?" Alice asked cheerfully.

"No. Our bus is full with Eric's worms." Edward growled, pounding his fist on the door. "OW!" He gasped, shaking his hand out after he did that.

"Hey, Jasper. Used the bathroom yet?" Bella asked as he passed her.

"What?" He said as she jogged off.

"Hey, we're all going to surf at LA PUSHY!" Eric yelled to Bella at lunch the next day.

"It's LA PUSH, idiot!" Mike snapped as they both pretended to surf.

"You guys are such huge geeks! You can't even think about surfing like that." Angela said, right as Eric tipped the table over.

"Hey, Edward. Um, wanna come to the beach with us?" Bella asked meekly, making a salad out of apples.

"I AM A BAD GUY!" Edward yelled, jumping around with dark black sunglasses on.

Bella stared at him, an odd look in her eyes.

"Crap. I rehearsed this." Edward said, stammering to remember what he was supposed to say.

"Wanna come to the beach? My main question?" Bella asked again.

"Um, no. I hate beaches...." Edward randomly stammered.

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**Ok, crappy ending. Sorry. More later!! Read and PLEASE read Nazi Zombies!!!**


	6. One Hamster of a Tale

**The next chapter! Thanks for reading!

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**Bella, sitting in an old hippie van, shivered.

"BELLA!" A girly voice squeaked.

Bella saw a figure, a girly figure, running toward her with her arms out.

"Jacob?" Bella murmured. "Get a haircut, man."

"Walk with me and I'll tell you a weird story." Jacob said, pulling her upward and dragging her toward the cold sand.

"My tribe...we're descended from hamsters." Jacob stammered.

"Um, okay? Is that why you have a squeaky voice?" Bella asked him.

"Hey, puberty happens!" Jacob snapped. "Now, on with the story."

Bella imitated him under her breath as they continued to stroll.

"My great-grandfather, Chief Fuzzy Butt, found the Cullens hunting on OUR lands. They made a pact that if they don't advance on our lands, we don't poop on theirs. Because, believe me, we can make SOME kind of massive."

"JACOB! TMI!" Bella yelled, clasping her hands over her ears as she ran away.

"I'm so sad....I can't get a date."

An old boater sobbed. He plugged in the radio and started singing, badly, to oldies. There was a loud creak.

"Oh, boaty. You're my only friend." He said, patting the rusty sides of the boat. "Hello?" He called as the creak happened again.

A red headed woman, the same from the plant only days earlier, smiled and pulled the boat inwards.

"A DATE?" The boater gasped, hands to his grimy face.

"Hey, nice...um, nothing actually." A man with a ponytail smiled, sliding down from the ceiling.

"James. Don't insult our food. It hurts its feelings." A scary man with dreadlocks said, rubbing his fingers together.

Quickly, the woman lunged upon the boater, as screams echoed.

"Where can I get a book on Jacob's hamster story?" Bella asked herself, googling it. She found the perfect bookstore, right where Jessica and Angela wanted to shop for dresses.

"Does this dress make me look fat?" Jessica asked, twirling in a dress shaped like an inflatable clown.

"Yeah, a little." Bella stammered. "Actually, I just really wanna go to this bookstore..."

"Jess, stop finding dresses that scream 'fat suit', okay?" Angela called from the dressing room.

Bella got up and left, heading for the bookstore. The sign, swaying in the wind, read "Stupid's Bookstore...Overly Dumb Books at Overly High Prices!"

"Great." She grumbled as she paid twenty dollars for a skinny book on Hamster Legends.

Bella then turned down a dark alley, stupidly. Two guys looked at her and began to follow her, letting their arms scrape the ground. As she walked, more of them collected, following.

Bella stopped dead as ten of the creepers circled around her.

"We are aliens!" One of them cried, eyes wide.

"From a distant planet!" Another shouted.

"Meeboop, meeboop." They all chanted, shaking their arms.

Suddenly, a silver dumpy car came screeching around the corner. It crashed into a trash can as a boy flew out the front window.

"Are you okay?" Bella cried as the alien-men closed in.

"Never mind me." Edward said, walking into the light. He then let out a noise that sounded like a cross between a barking dog and a teenage girl.

The aliens fled as Edward threw Bella into a broken seat.


	7. The Fat Lady Sings

**Hey, guys! Thanks for all the positive reviews!

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**

"Say something to keep me from driving back there and reporting an alien sighting!" Edward scowled, hands gripping the torn steering wheel.

"What? You're stupid!" Bella gasped with nearly no emotion, as always.

"Thank you." Edward growled, stopping in front of a restaurant.

"The Fat Lady Sings?" Bella said, reading the restaurant's sign.

"It's the coolest thing! They have fat waitresses and everything!" Edward gasped, golden brown eyes wide.

As the two walked toward the door, decorated with two fat statues, Jessica and Angela walked out, talking.

"Oh my gosh!" Angela gasped, holding onto her clown nose souvenir from the restaurant.

Jessica began giggling so loudly and hysterically that everyone rolled their eyes.

"Um, just making sure Bella gets something to eat." Edward said. Lowering his tone, he added, "You know...skinny, skinny..."

"Edward!" Bella cried, slapping his arm. "Did you even think I would eat the crap they serve here?"

Edward yanked her into the restaurant and got a table for two. The tables were lines with balled-up napkins that all had "Fat" written on them. Bella shook her head as they sat down.

"What can I get ya, hon?" A voice smacked. It sounded like the combination of a southern accent and bubble gum.

The two looked up. Standing high above them was a gigantically large woman with large blonde hair and an order pad.

"Um, no thanks, but she sure would." Edward said with a nod toward Bella.

The waitress continued to flirt with Edward until she finally left with the order.

"Um, this may sound crazy, but I can read minds..." Edward said, clasping his hands.

"Alright then, Bubba. Blow my mind." Bella said, sitting back.

Edward squinted and said, "Hummmmm..."

A man with curly black hair sat in the back of the restaurant, twirling his fork around spaghetti.

"Man, I'm awesome." He thought.

"That guy thinks he's awesome." Edward said, with a proud glare at Bella.

"Are you sure? He's pretty ugly..." Bella stammered.

"I am sure! You question my amazing abilities?" Edward roared in anger.

"Never mind." Bella growled as her, "Steak with Extra Fat" arrived.

"I feel really protective of you, Bella." Edward said with a sincere tone.

"Ew, stalker!" Bella jumped up, her fork clattering and bouncing like a trampoline on the fatty steak.

Finally, after the awkward restaurant incidents, Edward put Bella in his crappy car and they drove home. Edward had teen pop blaring on the radio.

"Okay, could you please shut that off?" Bella grumbled, slamming her head into the back of the seat.

"No!" Edward whined, reaching for the dial to hold onto it.

Bella grabbed it, too, and their hands touched.

"Good LORD!" Bella screamed, shaking her hand off. "Were you digging in ice or something? Your hands are FREEZING!"

"Did you just touch me?" Edward snapped in his teenage girl voice.

Bella nodded slowly, giving him an odd look.

"Oh no you DIDN'T!" Edward snapped.

"Oh yes I DID!" Bella replied in the same tone.

"What the? My dad is at the police station?" Edward questioned, pulling in.


	8. Vampire Revealed!

**Thanks for reading, everybody! When this is done, I'll begin my New Moon and Eclipse pardoies! Anyone think that Eclipse was awesome?

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**"Yes, I understand..." Carlisle was saying as he flipped his hair.

"Like, what's going on?" Edward asked.

"Some guy who never got any dates was killed in his boat...animal attack." Carlisle giggled.

"Same animal that killed that weird security guard?" Bella asked as the two walked away.

Of course, no one responded.

"Bella, take this sugar spray. It distracts killers long enough for them to have a wonderful taste in their mouth and wonder about it." Charlie said when Bella entered his office.

She grumbled as she left the office and went home with the Hamster Legends book.

"The hamsters and the teenage girls feuded always." She read aloud. "Teenage girls? I mean, I know a few hamster killers, but..."

She quickly typed "teenage girls and hamsters" into Google.

"Some teenage girls love blood, because vampires are all arage these days. But this kind, they're fast, strong..."

Bella gasped. "Edward is a TEENAGE GIRL! Wait...is he gay?"

Bella then took out her diary and wrote, "Of three things I was almost sure. One, Edward was a teenage girl. Two,there was a part of him...that was a creepy stalker and wanted my blood. And third, I wasn't sure if I hated or loved him. Wait, then I'm only sure about two things. Oh, well."

"Hey, Bella. How are ya?" Edward asked the next day at school.

"IEEEEE!" Bella screamed, running away with her arms in the air.

"What the heck?" Edward muttered, following her into the woods.

Bella threw her bookbag up in the air. It landed right by Edward's foot.

"You're fast, strong, pale, cold..." She stammered.

"Whoa! Slow down and let me give a cheesy explanation for each one!" Edward gasped.

"You talk like you're a teenage girl!" Bella screamed.

"Aren't you a talker?" Edward huffed.

"I know what you are." Bella gagged. "A...a...a MOOSE!"

"I'm, like, a vampire, you IDIOT! Oh my gawd!" Edward said, fanning himself.

He then scooped Bella onto his back. "You better hold on tight, spider monkey."

"I am not a monkey!" Bella screamed, right as her head was thrown back by the sudden rush of speed.

Edward was running so fast that he was almost flying.

"Why don't you try out for track?" Bella called over the wind.

"Shut up." Edward scowled. "You need to see what I look like in the sunlight."

He stepped up on a rock where the sun was shining and leaned his head back. He began to sparkle and his face was instantly covered in makeup.

Bella clasped her hand over her mouth. "You're beautiful..In a popular girl kind of way..."

Edward snorted and jumped up in the air. "I'm designed to kill."

"Kill what? My eyes? Turn off the sparkles!" Bella grumbled, rubbing her eyes.

"AS IF YOU COULD OUTRUN ME!" Edward said, keeping time with a snail on the ground.

"0.1 miles an hour..." Bella said, holding her pocket speedometer.

"AS IF YOU COULD FIGHT ME OFF!" Edward bellowed, throwing a few twigs in the air and kicking them with his foot.

"I...can't take your smell, it's like a drug to me."

Bella smiled and stuffed her arm in his face. Edward's eyes crossed and he fell from the tree.

"Kiss me, I know you can." She said.

Edward trembled on the ground.

"Sweet, sweet, blood." He said, tearing out parts of his hair.

"KISS ME, DANG IT!" She snapped.

The next day, Edward stepped out of his car and put on his Barney sunglasses.

"Edward, please..." Bella begged, stepping out of his car.

Edward wrapped her arm around her.

"Please." He said. "We're a thing now."

"Oh my God!" Angela gasped, dropping her camera.


	9. Meet the Fam

**Here's the next chapter! Sorry about my abstence, I've been out and about. Here we are!

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**"You know, I was dying in the 16th century..." Edward mentioned to Bella the next day.

"Oh my god, this is your second life?" Bella screamed, jumping away from him.

"Yeah, duh! Idiot." He grumbled, sitting down on a rock.

"Hey, if you farted, would it be strong enough to snap that rock?" Bella asked, fingering her pocket camera.

"Maybe...haven't eaten any beans, like ever..." Edward said thoughtfully, placing two fingers on his chin. "But you know I'm a veggie vampire."

"You're made out of vegetables?" Bella gasped again, barely changing her expression.

"NO! Golly, why am I dating you? No, that means I only eat animals!"

"Oh..." Bella nodded. "Got it."

"Doesn't mean I won't eat YOU if you tee me off!" He joked, tickling Bella.

"Ah. Stop it." She said, still not tweaking her face.

"You know, how I can read minds? Well my sister Alice can see the future."

"Did she see me with you?"

"I won't answer!" Edward grumbled.

Bella was washing her exploded car remains when she heard a loud thump.

"AAGH! FREDDY KRUEGER! DON'T EAT MEEEE!" She screamed, throwing her hands over her head.

"Chill, girly. I am a killer, but I'm not a wrinkled old creeper." Edward said, combing through his hair with a pink bejeweled comb.

"Yeah, I know. Guess I should be smarter..."

"There's always room for knowledge. You know, I want you to meet my family."

"But...they'll eat me! No, they'll hate me! Plus, they're all super weird!" Bella panicked, stammering and running her fingers across her face.

"Um...CRAP SHOOT!" Edward screamed, quickly running from Bella's dump to his own cruddy car.

"I hate how he does that." Bella muttered, dipping her sponge in the ice on her sidewalk.

She realized why Edward had left as she saw Jacob driving the family truck into her driveway. Her father ran out in a long baseball jersey.

"WHOOPEE! BEERS, FISH, AND A FAT TV!" He screamed, waving his foam finger in the air.

"DON'T FORGET DORITOS!" Billy Black cheered as Charlie bumped him up the stairs.

"Are you gonna join them, Jacob?" Bella asked, jabbing her mittened thumb over her shoulder.

"It's all just fatness to me." He said, shaking his long hair. As he shook his hair, he grabbed a tangle. "UGH! I HATE BAD HAIR DAYS! You know, the frizz this morning was just UNbearable!" He cried, digging out a pocket comb.

"Good luck with that, Jacob." Bella said, backing away.

"Esme?" Edward called. A short, manly haircut faced Bella.

"Oh, Esme! You and Carsisle..." Bella stammered.

"My hair? Yes...it's a bit of a gender reversal." Esme smiled.

"My beautiful hair!" Carisle cried, flipping it.

"Go, Rosalie, go!" A voice chanted.

Bella peered into the next room and saw Rosalie, the mean blonde sister, squeezing a salad bowl as hard as she could. It popped right as Bella entered the room.

"Yeah!" cheered Emmett, the tall, muscular one.

He was wearing a coat of his own hair.

"Um..." Bella said.

Rosalie flipped her hair and stomped out of the room. Emmett shook Bella's hand.

"Hey, I like to wear hair when I'm with the family." He chuckled.

A tree creaked and a beautiful girl with a pixie cut entered.

"Hey, I'm Alice." She said. "And you smell wonderful."

Edward roled his eyes but Bella smiled. "Finally, a normal family member!" She said, hugging Alice.

Jasper appeared behind her, face pressed as usual.

"Hey, Jasper! Farted yet?" Bella asked.

Jasper shook his head. "How...how do you do?" He stammered.

"Okay! Let's go see my room!" Edward grabbed Bella and pulled her toward the stairs.


	10. The House, The Bed, And Ed

**Hey! Anyone see Vampires Suck? I saw it twice...in one week. I LOVED IT! Okay, onto the chapter!

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**

"Wow, that's a lot of music." Bella gasped as she looked around his room.

"No bed?"

"No, I just have that weird futon looking thing there." Edward pointed to a twisted black couch and cricked his back, pointing to it.

Edward strode over to the stereo and pushed his "Romantic Music" CD in. Instantly, the Hamster dance began to play.

"I like to show my steps to the chicks." Edward smiled, dancing and kicking.

"That's, um, corny." Bella said, biting her thumbnail.

"FIne, have it your way." Edward huffed.

"Burger king?" Bella gasped, leaning forward on her toes.

"No! I meant a real slow dance." Edward changed the track to a beautiful classical tune and grabbed Bella's hands, whirling her around.

"I can't dance." She scowled, letting go.

Edward swung her onto his back. "You better hold on tight, spider monkey." He said with a half-wit smile.

"You said that before!" Bella snapped.

Edward began tree-hopping, scraping his fingernails on the bark, as he lead Bella up to a pine tree.

"It's really nice up here...but I don't believe it's real." Bella stammered, hugging the tree branch.

"Oh yeah? Look down." Edward teased.

Bella looked right down...and hurled all over Edward's new polo.

Charlie lead the german sheaperd across the forest grounds.

"Sniff sniff bark!" He yelled to his other team members. "We've found something!"

"A human footprint?"

"Nooo..." Charlie said. "A man-bear!"

"ESME!" Edward yelled, slamming the back door as he carried Bella.

"Yes?" She said, rolling her eyes.

"Bella vomited all over me and I scraped my knee on a tree!"

"Aw, honey. A boo boo?" Esme asked.

Edward pulled up his pant leg and threw his knee onto the table. Esme walked into the kitchen with a Dora the Explorer bandade for him.

Esme rubbed the bright pink bandade over Edward's knee with a light kiss. Bella clasped her hands over her mouth, struggling not to burst out laughing.

"So, asking anyone to prom?" Charlie asked, licking the barbeque sauce off his fingers at the Nameless Cafe.

"Who knows?" Bella asked.

"That Mike kid seems to, er, want your attention." Charlie said, pointing out the window.

Mike, with "BELLA" tattooed across his butt, was shaking his butt in the window of the cafe. Bella covered her eyes and muttered a swear.

Mike suddenly farted, shattering the entire window of the cafe.

Waitresses ducked, Bella screamed. Mike blushed a furious red and his friends all pointed and laughed.

"I...I have to run." Bella jumped up and ran out of the cafe, barging into her room and locking the door.

"He's soooo mysterious, but isn't that yummy?" Bella asked her mother over the phone.

She was rolling around, cell phone to her ear, gossiping about the "dreamy new guy" at school.

"He must use gobs of hairspray!" Rene replied.

"Who knows? I hear he's looking for a girl to spawn off a billion dollar book and movie series that girls will nearly kill themselves for!" Bella whispered.

She heard a thump and whipped around. Edward was standing at the foot of her bed.

"Don't scream." He said softly.

"Honey? Honey, are you watching a horror movie? You know how those give you extra bladder..."

"Mom, I gotta go!" Bella snapped, throwing the phone to the floor.

"I wanna try something." Edward said, stepping forward.

"Pizza? Panini?" Bella asked, looking at the accumulated stale food under her bed.

"No, you idiot!" Edward snapped, grabbing her face. He smashed his lips into hers, which soon turned into a kiss.

"Wow." Bella stammered, right as Edward did a flying leap and fell off her bed onto the floor.

That night, Edward lay awake beside Bella. She curled onto his chest, asleep.

"EW!" He complained, shoving her face away.

**Thanks so much for reading! Only a few chapters left before my "New Moon" parody begins!**! :D :D :D


	11. Baseball Crazyheads

**Hello! I know it's been AGES since I wrote, but...the pressures of your Freshman year really catch up to ya! **

"Dad?" Bella said, leaning into the wooden chair.

Charlie was flopped on the kitchen table, sleeping off a hangover. After all, there was only beer and water in the whole house.

He grumbled sleepily.

"I want you to meet Edward."

"Oh, that prissy boy from down the street?"

"Edward...isn't prissy." Bella stammered, annoyed but not showing it at all.

"He's...kind of important."

Edward walked into the house, loudly burped, and threw his coat on the floor.

"Swan dog!" He screeched, slapping Charlie on the back. "I'm Edward, Bella's love toy."

Charlie's eyes grew wide with a horrified expression.

"Oh, no! Nothing's...happened yet!" Bella stammered, waving her hands for emphasis.

"Or so you think."

"EDWARD!" Bella shrieked loudly, pounding on his back with her fists.

"Anyways, I was just gonna take Bella to play baseball with my family."

Charlie was frozen like a statue. He trembled a little, then fell from his chair onto the floor.

"Have fun, dear." He said, words slurred.

"Isn't it going to thunderstorm?" Bella asked.

"Yeah, but we need it." Edward rudely slapped a cap on Bella's hair, then freaked because he had messed it up.

"The way hair is placed is beauty, darling." He said, dusting his hands as though it were a huge job.

Bella rolled her eyes and climbed into the passenger side of the car, interested in what she was about to witness.

"My beautiful hair!" Carsisle announced, twirling locks of his hair around the baseball bat.

"Stop it, dear." Esme, who was catching behind him, groaned. "Alice has to pitch the ball!"

Alice sighed, wound the ball up, and threw a solid pitch. Carisle swung quickly and began to scream.

"My...my...A STRAND OF MY HAIR WAS ON THAT BAT!" He then fell into the dirt and began to crawl.

"Okay, now I see why you need the thunder..." Bella observed.

The ball was still flying through the air. Emmett, wearing his hair uniform, smacked into Edward as he caught the ball.

"Beat that!" He said.

"Why would I want to?" Edward said, brushing the dirt off himself.

Rosalie was next at bat. She swung a solid hit and began running, but Edward was too fast.

He flew through the trees, applying lip gloss as he did it, and caught the ball smoothly in one hand. He then threw it back across the woods. Rosalie skid to a stop on a base.

"You're out." Bella said.

"Dang it!" Rosalie shrieked, pulling a salad bowl from her pocket and smashing it in Bella's face.

"Why did you do that?" Bella panicked, hands over her eyes.

"No one can resist a good salad bowl smashing." She smirked, tossing her hair and taking long strides across the field.

Esme seized the bat and tossed her bob cut into the wind.

Alice pitched, a hint of worry in her eyes. The ball flew up into a tree. Emmett charged after it, flipped up the tree perfectly, then landed with a thump.

"My monkey man." Rosalie smiled.

"BANANA!" Emmet screamed, shaking his head like a monkey.

"NOT LITERALLY, DEAR!" Rosalie called, slightly embarrassed.

"STOP!" Alice screamed, her eyes wide.

"They are coming!"

**Hope everybody had a Merry Christmas! Read and review!**


	12. We Suck At Escaping

**HEY GUYS! it seems that I haven't written in forever...school is a scary place. But don't worry, the parody is nearing it's close with this chapter!**

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"I saw it in a vision!" Alice gasped as the whole family leapt to her side.

"What is this, That's So Raven? Please!" Bella snorted.

Before she could utter another word, three beautiful-looking people started power-walking out of the forest, leaves dancing around them.

One had a long blonde ponytail and very little abs that he was rubbing proudly.

The man in the middle has thick, black dreadlocks and dark skin.

The third, a woman, had long flowing red hair and a mink drape over her shoulder. She was holding a stopwatch on her right hand.

They all stopped in unison, staring the Cullens down.

"What was my time?" asked the blonde.

"Ten minutes for one mile at a power walk." The redhead said.

"DANG IT!" The blonde said, stomping.

"Oh, James. Your power walk is more like a power 'flaunt my hair and walk like a feminine model'." said the dreadlocks man, imitating him.

"It is not!" James said, crossing his arms and stomping.

"What do you want from us?" Esme snarled, leaping into protective poses.

"I'm Victoria, and this is Lauren." The girl said, gesturing.

"It's LAURANT, missy!" The dreadlocks man barked. "We're just here for a lovely little game of baseball." He smiled, showing pearly white fangs.

James reached his head up and inhaled. The sweet smell of blood filled his nostrils. He began to skip over to Edward, narrating his steps.

"Skip skip skippety!" He sang, flinging his hands upward gayly, as if he was in a cartoon.

"Snacky?" He asked, raising his eyebrows at Bella, who stammered and gasped.

"NO!" Edward gasped loudly, picking Bella up over his head and running into the distance.

He threw her into the trunk of his Jeep, buckling all the seat belts over her as she twisted and screamed a little.

"I'm fine!" She yelled.

Edward was taken aback.

"It TALKS!" He shrieked.

Before Bella could swat him, he danced around the car, giggling like he had just been asked out. Then, he jumped into the front seat and slammed on the gas pedal, screaming and whooping like a drunk hillbilly.

"I need to see my dad." Bella warned.

"No way, Baby! WHOHOO!" Edward whooped, wind messing up his hair.

Bella opened her mouth wider than Niagara Falls and let out a scream that shook buildings.

"Okay, okay." Edward breathed and stopped the car in front of Charlie's home.

"Please never do that again." He stammered.

Bella raced into the couch. The TV flickered with images of football players. "Dad, I'm running away." She said with a smile, stomping up the stairs.

"Kay." He burbled, drool rolling out of his dry lips. "No, wait a minute!" He jumped off the couch but ended up crashing to the floor.

Edward was already standing in Bella's room, holding some of her older clothes.

"Honey, you wore these? Gosh, that is sooo 2001!"

"Shut up!" She hissed, snatching them from him.

Edward then shrieked. "You still carry a My Little Giraffe suitcase?" He held it by the tip of the handle, as if it was plague-stricken.

"Bella, you okay? Please sleep on me…I mean, sleep on it! Sleep on the idea!" Charlie shouted as he banged on the door.

Edward's eyes widened in shock.

"Oh, he's just hungover." Bella said, flipping her hand to the doorway.

"I'm just fine, Dad. I just…uh….found my old doll that I used to perform plastic surgery on…"

"Poor Barbie and her boob reductions…" Charlie said, shaking his head.

"Come on!" Edward hissed, leaping out of her bedroom.

"Bella, don't go! I'm still lonely and single!" Charlie wept, falling to the floor and throwing a tantrum.

Bella looked around worriedly, then pointed out the window. "Look! A pretty star!" Then she ran down the stairs.

"Man, I hate it when she does that." Charlie growled as he stood up to brush himself off.

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**Thanks for being fans! Read and review plellee!Z!**


	13. Metaphorical Twinkies

**Here we are again! Only three more chapters to go! If anyone has a snazzy name for a New Moon parody, lemme know!**

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The truck bumped into the shiny garage. Each of the Cullens sat on top of a counter that seemed to be installed for no apparent reason. Shiny sports cars were parked at random angles, sticking out. Bella bumped into one as Edward helped her inside.

"Why do we have to save her?" Rosalie asked, flipping her still-perfect hair.

"Why are we escaping in the shiny sports cars?" Esme asked. "Doesn't everyone know that vampires are attracted to shiny objects?"

With that, her eyes locked on the headlights of the red car in a seeming trance.

"Isn't my hair so beautiful?" Carsisle crooned, flipping it in Bella's face yet again.

Alice rolled her eyes. Esme popped out of her trance and pulled scissors from her skirt pocket. As Carsisle ranted about his hair, she slipped behind him and cut it all off.

"As I was saying..." He went to flip his hair and brushed the short ends.

"IEEEEE! MY BEAUTIFUL HAIR!" Carsisle sobbed. Then, he hit the floor with a crack and passed out cold.

Alice tried to hide her laughter. As they were all giggling about the event, Laurant stepped into the garage.

"It's the dreadlocks man." Bella said flatly, not realizing that the danger of death was suddenly upon her.

"I came to warn you about James. He...picks the strangest places for a fight. Oh, but he isn't stupid. He'll trick your half-alive, sullen soul into traps like you'd never imagine. 'CUZ YOU'RE STUPID!" He screamed, jumping and pointing, then running away laughing.

"That does it!" Emmett said, hitting the purple 'Never Say Never' car and making a gigantic dent. Rosalie screamed as he did this.

"We need to get Bella out of her straightaway! Alice, will Jasper be okay?"

A distant flush was heard, followed by a long, slow, "Aaaah."

Alice nodded. "He finally crapped. He'll be fine."

Emmett picked up Bella and her suitcase like a football over his head. Then, he tossed them through the window and into the black sports car. Alice jumped into the driver's seat.

Jasper walked outside, trail of toilet paper hanging from his black pants.

"Should we tell him?" Rosalie whispered to Emmett.

"Nah, see how far the paper rolls before it snaps." Emmett giggled like the monkey boy he was. Rosalie nodded and giggled along with him.

Edward walked up to Bella's window and hit the base multiple times with a pained, constipated expression.

"Bella." He growled. "I just want you to know..." He bent lower as tears began to drip from his eyes.

"YOU'RE MY BOX OF TWINKIES!" He lost it, doubling over with sobs.

"Alice, could you step on it?" Bella asked, tapping her lightly on the shoulder. Alice nodded sweetly, blowing dust on the sobbing Edward and the passed out Carsisle.

About 1500 miles in, when the sun was just rising, Jasper heard a rip. He looked over his shoulder and saw a waving white flag.

"Huh." He shrugged, turning around in his seat.

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**Thanks again! READ AND REVIEW!**


	14. Panic Attacks From Multiple Parties

**I'm Back! Only two more chapters before this story wraps!**

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The Cullens ran through the forest at top speed. Carsisle was jogging slowly, pausing to touch his short ends and cry.

Edward stopped, extended his hands to look manly as he sniffed the air.

"He's already been through here. In fact, it smells like he crapped."

Rosalie strode up beside him. "Didn't Laurant say something about his major gas attacks?"

Emmett decided to sniff, too. "No, I think that's Jasper's leftover stench."

They all nodded.

Rosalie smiled to herself and slowly licked the tree. She would send that vampire to eat Bella's flabby thighs. Oh, wait. She was skinnier than twigs.

"What are you doing, Rose?" Emmett called.

"Oh, just...sampling the fungus."

"Okay, then."

Later on, James trekked through the woods. He sniffed the tree and swore. His snacky had escaped. He hit the tree with his fist and broke a nail.

"Oww!" He wailed before running off at top-vampire speed.

Alice and Jasper kissed softly as Bella moaned with depression.

"There's no need to be depressed, Bella!" Alice smiled. "I mean, you're only 1500 miles away from your love with a crazy vampire after your blood!" She giggled. Then, she screamed.

"A VISION! I SEE A ROOM FILLED WITH BLOODY ICE. A TURKEY BURGER DRIPPING FROM CRAZED FANGS. AND A TEENAGE GIRLY MAN RUNNING AND FLAPPING HIS HANDS. THAT IS ALL. NOW WE RETURN TO YOUR SCHEDULED PROGRAM...TWO CRAZY VAMPIRES IN A ROOM WITH A GIRL WHO MIGHT AS WELL BE A BRICK!"

Bella gasped. The visions has never been this clear...nor strange...before. Just then, her phone rang.

"Heyy, honey! Guess who's gay voice this is?" The ringtone sang. Edward's pre-recorded love note. She scoffed and answered.

"H-h-hello?

"Bella, we lost him. Rosalie started making out with a tree and probably led James closer toward you than ever before."

She heard Emmett gasp. "That's what you were doing? Rose! I can't believe you'd cheat on me with a freakin' plant!"

"It was to kill the girl!" Rosalie screamed. The reciever filled with screams and snarls.

"I'LL CALL YOU BACK...PROBABLY AT LEAST 100 MORE TIMES!" Edward shouted as he hung up.

"Hey, Alice?" Bella called, turning around. She saw Alice and Jasper making out heavily on the pink couch.

"Okay then."

Her phone rang again, the rigntone of a dull office phone. Home. As in Home in Phoenix. Wierd.

"Hello?"

"Bella! Bella, don't make me come there! I'll shower you so bad with the hose that you..."

"Mom?" Rene' w

as the only mother in the world who had ever carried a hose as punishment.

A low chuckle was heard.

"Sounds like you're in trouble. Sweet mama will be too, if we don't meet alone."

"Is this a sex line?"

A hand smacked to a face. "Look, just give me a time so I can finally eat you...I MEAN! Meet you...properly." The voice smirked.

Bella bit her lip and looked at her bracelet. Stenciled across a pink rubber band in blue letters...What Would Edward Do?

She thought long and hard before saying, "WWED? Okay!"

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**Read and review please! Let's get this story back on the map. **


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